As anybody who really knows me knows, my greatest passion in life is needlepoint. I am a two-time winner of the Greater Augusta Silver Needle Award and my work has been featured in “Elderly Magazine."
Outside of my suspicious and almost desperate need for Russian approval, I'd say needlepoint is my "raison d'être," as my enemies, the French, might say. But fuck the French, they're not Russians who are my life-long friends. And in preparation for my 2018 comedy tour, OH COME ON (coming soon to, or just leaving, a town near you!), I spent several hundred hours working on some hand-made, machine-approved, gifts for you that really celebrate the tragic magic of the time period in which we’re currently living.
To that end, I am proud to announce the limited and first-ever tricolored vinyl release of my album …america… great…
But wait, that’s not all! These albums are signed by me and include not only a lovely vinyl slipmat but also your very own RUSSIAN MAGA-ish hat. Each hat is unique- there are no repeats - with its own MAGA-type saying on it (except in Russian). Get your very own "Я ЛЮБЛЮ АЛЬТЕРНАТИВНЫЕ ФАКТЫ” or "РЕСПУБЛИКАНЦЫ ЗА ПУТИНА” or even "ДА, НО ЕЁ ИМЕЙЛЫ…" or, one of my personal favorites "СУКА ПУТИНА.”
These hats are 100% legit. Again, there are no repeats. Each one will be unique to you and you only. And we only made 100 or something like that. Maybe 110. I can’t remember.
What do these hats mean? Well, you tell me. Or, you ask me. Either way. By tweet or Facebook or Instagram. Post a photo of your hat or tweet it to me or whatever the hell (but please use #OhComeOn so I can find it) and I’ll tell you what it means if you haven't figured it out on your own (but do try to figure it out on your own - that's more fun). We’ll have all sorts of jollifications and laughs together… the way we used to. Remember?!
BUT WAIT ONE GOD DAMN SECOND!!! That’s STILL not all!
One very, very lucky winner will open their package to find a Golden Ticket which will shower you with riches! The holder of the Golden Ticket will receive 4 tickets to ANY show on my tour. And you and yours can come backstage and join me for a beer, a tea, a wine, or a potato chip. Trust me, I will make it fun, valuable, and perhaps delicious.
Confused? Yes, so am I. But that’s what makes this so very special.
Simply put: order the ...america… really, really great! vinyl-lovers bundle and you’ll get a custom, individual Russian MAGA cap with your own unique phrase. Tweet me or post a photo of the hat with #OhComeOn and I will tell you what it means or you tell me what it means and I'll verify.
And one of you lucky people is going to get a Golden Shower too!
Sorry, ticket, a golden ticket.
I love you and may God bless you.