Checking In (and a free download if you read to the end) (April 20, 2017)

Checking In (and a free download if you read to the end) (April 20, 2017)
Hi. Checking in. It’s been a while, I know.

Hey did you hear the big news?! Me neither. Oh well, I suppose we’ll just have to make due with this update about all things me. I’ve been absent for a good while because I’ve been busier than a two dollar whore on St. Patrick’s Day (thanks and a tip ‘o’ the hat to Gary The Fable Guy for that joke!). I’m wrapping up post-production on the show I was doing in England called, Bliss I think I told y’all about it. It stars Stephen Mangan (who is absolutely fantastic in this), Heather Graham, and Jo Hartley and I’m quite proud of it. It's unlike anything I’ve ever done really. I’ll fill you in on what exactly the show is, and how it works, later as it gets closer to airing, but I do hope you’ll watch. I like it a lot.

One month left of work and then we turn it in. But as busy as I’ve been on Bliss, it’s not the reason I’ve been so absent recently. If you follow me on Instagram and/or Twitter you already know about why. My wife and I had a baby about a month and a half ago. And before any of you feminists get your stinky panties in a bunch, YES, I had the baby as well!

In order to be better able to relate to my wife’s experience I had the baby inserted into my stomach for one hour immediately after the birth, and walked around the hospital with her inside me. I had a special pouch made of placenta and boysenberries lovingly crafted by the good folks at Crystal Acres Farm in Woodstock. Then, after an hour, we took her out again, cleaned her up, and gave her a name and went home. Ladies, I get it now! My hats off to ya’s!

So yeah, between working on this show and making sure my tiny infant isn’t constantly dying, I’ve been busy.

And I am really, really anxious to get back to doing stand-up again! I haven’t done a set since the last set of last year’s tour. That was eight months ago! I think that’s a record for longest time between sets I’ve ever spent. But once this show’s turned in I can concentrate on getting more material worked out and fine-tuned. And trust me, it’s not going to be a half hour of dad jokes. Every time one of those lame “observations” creeps in I swat it the fuck out of there pronto. However, I will say, the one thing I think that’s worth discussing though is the horrific feeling I get just after a late night/early morning feeding (anywhere from 3am to 6am) and I’m really tired and barely keeping my eyes open as she’s laying on my chest and I’m trying to get her to go to sleep and I get an erection. Or rather, I realize that I have one. I'm in that dream/sleep state. Like in that way when you’re a kid and you just get one for no reason in class and you have to go up to the front of the room for a presentation, but worse. Much, much worse. This is a special kind of inexplicable horror. And what makes it worse is that I'll also realize that I left the TV on Fox and Tucker Carlson is yelling at me about black people. Newborn daughter on my chest, Tucker Carlson and his foppish bowtie, and a full-on erection down below. Hmm… maybe I’ll explore that a bit. That’s not hacky is it? But back to the point at hand, I will be slowly but surely jumping back into doing sets here in NY once the show is turned in at the end of April. I will post where and when on my site. Also, I feel pretty comfortable predicting that there are going to be a shit-ton of benefits I’ll be a part of coming up in the near future.

Well, that’s all for now. When I have more news I’ll post it. I sincerely hope everyone’s fantasy draft went well this year.

Oh, I almost forgot – as a thank you to all of you out there, I’ve included something that I managed to wrest away from the lawyers at SubPop (with their permission). Long story short, when I was doing the set for what would eventually become the It’s Not Funny cd, I was closing with a parody of the Lee Greenwood song “God Bless the USA” which would then transition into something completely different featuring a young Jon Benjamin (which you’ll hear if you listen to this). That was my big closer and I got SubPop to verbally sign off on letting me include it on the cd. It was my closer after all! BUT then they got cold feet and made me cut it. And that sucked because now I had to cobble together an ending that I normally wouldn’t have ever used) but they wouldn’t budge. But time, being the healer of wounds as well as the relaxer of litigation fears, worked its time-tested magic, and I was able to rescue it from the luxurious vaults. They're actually pretty awesome people and remain friends to this day. So now I am putting it up here, exclusively, on this site for you to maybe enjoy. It's a little dated (obviously) but fuck it!  So here it is, just for y’all – “The Clapping Song” by Hoyt Truckman. If you're on the email list, you got a code in your email, if not, sign up here and you'll get one!